So yeah, if I’m honest, I’d have to admit that, despite every appearance of being an anti-relationship, bossy mean girl/introvert supreme, I would really love to meet a guy I like, settle down and *yikes* maybe even get married. Being the awkward hermit that I am means that, unless I plan on dating one of my tenants, it’s not gonna happen. I thought online dating would be a good idea and, so far, I’m so very wrong.
First of all, these sites sort of require photos. I say sort of because, while you can certainly have a profile without a photo, it’s rather like running a restaurant with no silverware. Could you work around it? Sure. But why would you want to when there are other, simpler options. Anyhoo, as anyone who knows me will tell you, I firmly believe that I look like a dumpy man in all my photos, without proper pre-planning AND that I hate primping (makeup, cute clothes, hair-doing, etc.) aka pre-planning. Also, thanks to my social media aversion, I have no reason to understand how to work a filter app or whatever. So, it’s something of a task to find/take a good photo that looks like me, but is also not so primped as to make potential suitors think that dolled-up chick is who they might meet. Catfish, anyone?
On to the profile. What is the proper balance between presenting myself in an honest manner without sounding like the picky bore that I am and presenting myself in a way that will weed out the people I don’t want to meet? Hmm. Eternal struggle. There are people who get paid to write resumes and term papers, is there anybody who can pimp me properly in 100 words or less?
This feeling particularly overwhelms me when I watch TV shows where a sweet relationship is budding (A to Z and, btw come on, it pre-planned itself as only 26 episodes… we couldn’t give it that long of a run?!) or one of a pair is dying after a long time together (Miss You Already, even though they were just girlfriends, I count it because I cried until I couldn’t breathe and I had to pause the movie 3 times) and I think “dang, I want that in my life” and I re-download all the necessary apps for meeting someone. Gotta love that these things basically do not die. After 6 months or 6 years, if you’ve got access to the same email, your profile can be retrieved just as you left it! I re-check the photos (Not too mannish? Check. Fully dressed? Check. Not obviously an old picture? Check.) and the profile (Sarcastic? Check. Probably overly specific? Check. Right mix of fun self-deprecating but not pity party suicidal? Check.) and then I surf. Swiping, thumbing, whatever. I answer the questions, I do the quizzes. I see the results. It’s an endless sea of people I have no desire to meet or who apparently have no desire to meet me. Are these people even real?
On okCupid, I have had the same matches for 2 years. I’ve never met these men but I recognize their faces.
Me: OMG, are you still looking for a match?! It’s been forever. Something is clearly wrong with you.
Also me: Seriously, Ms. Judgypants? You are ALSO here, looking at him. Again. Since forever ago. I’m just sayin…
In reality, they’ve probably long ago forgotten about the site, but the eternal profile lives on.
Eventually, this feeling wears off and I get back to my normal, single life. I’m happy, I have my job, and the theatre. I like my friends, even though I’m often so antisocial it’s a wonder they even remember me. I also have my companion, which is not exactly the same as a mate, but it’s close-ish enough most days. I delete all the apps. Who needs love? Bah!
Bye, Tinder. Bye, okC. Bye, POF. (until next time)
Kymberli 